Back in 2013 I did a talk for Edinburgh Skeptics on how astrology works (spoiler: it doesn’t). So what better way to kick off a new year than by casting your horoscope for the next twelve months? (Actually, there are plenty, but what the hell.) Rather than use the system of twelve signs we’re familiar with (which dates back to about 600BC), I’ll use the zodiac as it actually appears today…
Sagittarius (The Archer)
If you decide to go out en femme this year for crying out loud don’t forget your keys. Getting home will seem a bit of an adventure at first until you realise you aren’t really in control of much.
Capricorn (The Goat)
Just because you meet someone with a beard who says they’re horny, it doesn’t mean it’s because of the way you’re dressed. And if you meet someone with a beard and two horns, it means they’re a goat (the four hairy legs will be a giveaway).
Aquarius (The Water Bearer)
You’ll need something a damn sight stronger than water to get that makeup off your face! Whatever you use, try not to turn up at work looking like a panda.
Pisces (The Fish)
Depending on when and where you go out this year, you may end up cold and extremely wet. Unless that’s what you’re hoping for, in which case, party on!
Aries (The Ram)
Wool could be a good fabric for this year; so don’t underestimate it. Especially if you’ve stolen it from another mammal. Oh, wait…
Taurus (The Bull)
Someone may have a beef with the way you dress. They may milk it for all it’s worth. Ignore them; they’re just cattle.
Gemini (The Twins)
Why see yourself as others see you, when you can make others see you the way you see yourself? To do this, part your hair on the other side of your head and write with your other hand.
Cancer (The Crab)
Tell yourself that this is the year you come out of your shell. Expand your wardrobe! Be adventurous! And try not to wear too-tight clothes that pinch.
Leo (The Lion)
If someone thinks you’re being deceitful by cross-dressing, tell them you’re not lyin’, this is part of who you truly are. Don’t take it lyin’ down!
Virgo (The Virgin)
This year you will do something for the very first time. You’ll be nervous, but exhilarated when it’s done. (And get your mind out of the gutter.)
Libra (The Scales)
Don’t shove too much padding into one half of your bra. Achieve balance in all things, as always.
Scorpio (The Scorpion)
There are relatively few Scorpios; there are relatively few cross-dressers. The number of Scorpio cross-dressers is tiny, so console yourself with the fact that you already stand out.
Ophiuchus (The Serpent Bearer)
Watch out! At some point this year, some legless reptile may try to plunge his head between your tits…
Normal blogging service will resume shortly…
In the meantime, if none of those horoscopes sound appealing, you could try this one instead (click to embiggen):